Remember when you were young you were taught that you should count to ten when you were mad? Do you remember ever doing it? Did it work? It never did for me. Nosir! When I got angry I really had a temper, and I used to just blow up. I often embarrassed my self and others. I had to lear to manage my anger. It took some doing, but I finally did, and I’m glad I did. Anger can cause a real trainwreck in your life. I know. That is for sure not how to act when your kid rebels. Rebellion is often an act of anger, but not always. Sometimes rebellion is simply a way teenagers have of trying for independence.
You see, Teenagers want independence 100%. It never occurs to them that they can be both free and a responsible family member. It seems they always must have it “all or nothing.” But of course they would never accept “nothing.” For instance, your teen wants to go to a concert. It is a school night and there has been no prior planning. Yet, “Everyone’s going” so your teen just has to go, too or else he is pond scumb, ‘know what I mean? In this situation you have a go or no-go decision. You, as a parent know that life on this planet will go on as usual if your kid doesn’t go to the concert, but he doesn’t know that. For him, life will end at 7:00 pm tonight if he cannot go. The entire universe is at stake here, so you must make the right decision.
Your decision is no, and the universe does in fact explode. At least your 2500 square feet of the universe explodes. Your kid storms to his room and slams the door so hard the dishes fall in the kitchen. He turns his stereo up so loud the astronauts repairing the space shuttle get a headache. His rebellious actions beg attention. So, what do you do?
Well, for starters, you don’t kick in his door and destroy his expensive stereo. You knock on his door and ask to come in. It is now negoiation time. First ask him to turn down his stereo so you can talk like men.
- Then you ask for permission to sit.
- Stay calm.
- Ask him to explain his feelings, or else ask him to restate what he wanted you to do.
- Listen, don’t interrupt.
- When it is your turn to speak, tell him calmly why you refused.
- Don’t preach.
- Make your points clear and short.
- Don’t ask any questions at this point.
- Make it plain that you are willing to negoiate reasonably if he is willing to give you time to discuss the issues at hand.
- Be sure he understands your words and their meanings.
If he interrupts you while you are speaking, stop speaking. Wait for him to finish. Do not acknowledge his interruption, go right back to what you were saying before he interrupted. If he interrupts again, stop speaking; set silently until he finishes. Do not acknowledge the second interruption, go right back to what you were saying before he interrupted you the second time. If he interrups you again, this time acknowledge his interruption with a deep sigh and a response that does not acknowledge what he was saying, only that you feel insulted when you listened to him without interruption, but when it was your turn to speak, he interrupted you two times. Ask him if he will listen until you have finished speaking.
Be consistent with this tactic. It is an extremely powerful communication tool with kids. When you get upset it gives him the right to get upset, if you yell, this tells him he can yell. A very good tactic when conversations are heated is to lower the volume of your words rather than raise it. The more calm you can be during an obvious rebellious-anger fit the better. Sometimes space is as good a tool as anything you can say. Simply back away a few steps and say I will discuss this with you when you have calmed down. Then leave. Just let the teenager seethe for a while. Beat them at the waiting game. If they want something badly enough, they will come to you and you can discuss it.
Teens need to be trained in the art of communication. Who better to do that than you, their parent?
