Raising Christian Men

Talking to your teens is one of my favorite subjects; ‘know why? It’s because they use such cool language

(“like uh, ‘know whaI’msayn,man?” or “like, duh, earth-to-dad, I’mean,likegagmewithaspoon…”)

No, really. I’m just being silly. I don’t really know any teens that talk like that; but it’s because I haven’t really heard teens talk lately. They are all texting.

I’ll try to be serious here for a minute. Communication is the best way to keep your teenager happy and healthy. Talking with your teen instead of talking to them will help them open up to you, and strengthen your relationship. Teens are not from another planet. They are just going through life changes so complex that it takes psychologists and physicians to define what those changes are; and by the time you learn what your teen is experiencing, they have new problems to define. It’s hard being a teen. They are receiving input from so many people it is difficult for them to know what’s right. The voices are coming in from music, friends, non-friends, teachers, coaches, etc., etc. They need you to understand that and give them space to take it all in. When they realize that you are “with it” they will open up.

Some ways I have discovered by experience that might help you you show them that you understand are

• Set conversational boundaries. Conversational boundaries are important for teens to know what to discuss with us in private, and what is family information, and what is public information. They must know that they can open up to us and we will never put them down.
• The only way we will ever get our teens to come to us privately with something they need to talk about is to build trust. We build trust by letting them know that we always love and respect them, no matter what. Even if they have blown it, even if they have screwed up really bad, they need to know we are there for them, no matter what.
• Listening without interrupting helps model how to listen. Listen by asking some questions that clarify what they mean will allow them to express the important things with us.
• Let them use their language, but be sure to respect them by not making fun of their way of saying something. In other words, never mock or ridicule their destruction of the English language. Yet on the contrary, don’t try to use their language either. You use your language and respond to every input with your language. Let them respond in theirs.
• Finally, remember the importance of confidentiality. What our teens tell us in private should never be discussed with other family members without our teen’s permission. This will build trust better than anything I know.

Several visitors to my site have offered advice and counsel also. Why not leave a blog post and let us know how you do it, how it’s working for you, and what advice you might give dads of teenagers.

Have a great day!

Both father and son need a hug from the other

I had a wonderful dad. He was a real man’s man. He was encouraging and always there for me. He was brave, kind, generous, strong and reverent. He was big and tough, but bright and articulate. My dad always treated my mom like a queen, and modeled for me how a man ought to be. He showed me how to treat others, how to respond to other family members and extended family, too. He took me fishing and hunting and taught me how to camp in the wild and cook meals in the forest. My dad taught me how to treat women and how to drive. He was my hero. He was the greatest dad in the world. Only problem was, he wasn’t real. He was like a comic book super  hero. I held that image of my not-real dad in my heart and measured my real dad by him every day.  That was cruel and wrong, but it was a coping mechanism for me. My real dad was a truck driver. He wasn’t at all like my imaginary dad. He abused alcohol any time he wasn’t driving, and took drugs to help him stat awake so he could drive more miles, thus earning more for every haul because he was paid by the mile. I once heard him say he got a raise to a nickle per mile. I suppose that was considered decent money in the early 1950′s.

People who knew him say my dad was a good man. It is just that when he drank too much he became angry and mean. They say he was an excellent truck driver, that he never consumed alcohol when he was driving and always showed courtesy to other drivers on the road. They say he was kind and gentle, and would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. I wish I had seen and experienced this side of him. Unfortunately, my sisters and I saw the bad side of dad most of the time. There are memories of good times, when he took our whole family on a vacation. But my memory of those times is interrupted by dad becoming inebriated with too much whiskey. Those times usually ended with someone getting hurt, physically or emotionally. He never apologized for those incidents, and he would often stay gone a long time afterward; I guess he thought we would forget about it by the time he returned from an extra long truck trip.

When I grew up I made the terrible mistake of trying to recreate in my own version of my super dad, the one in my imagination. What a disaster that was. It turned out worse than if I had duplicated what my real dad was. I learned through many hours of therapy and by becoming a counselor myself, that often boys who grow up in homes where their parents were substance abusers develop many of the coping characteristics that resemble the damaged personality traits of their parents. There are groups that have been formed to help people who grew up in alcoholic homes. They are referred to as ACOA’s or, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and these groups are very helpful for people like me.

I am very grateful that I discovered an ACOA group and worked my way through their program until I had developed a healthier way of being. With a new set of values and life habits gained from those months in ACOA I became a dad my sons could be proud of. I became more and more interested in helping other men be all they can be. I found my life work and passion in coaching Christian men raise godly sons. Now, and for the last 30 years I have been living my passion. I wish for all men that they know the joy I have in my life. Quoting Don Osborne, one of my mentors for this kind of lifestyle, “I love my life!”

I just returned from a walk with my dog, Buddy. Let me tell you about Buddy and how my relationship with him is like good fathering.

I had a massive heart attack followed by a quadruple by-pass in 2003, which incidentally, ended my career as a professional pastor. My doctor knew of my stressful lifestyle and he asked me, two days after my open heart surgery, “Do you have a dog?” (stay with me, I will relate this to fatherhood, just keep reading). I answered that I did not have a dog. “Get one,” he said, mater-of-factually.  “OK,” I answered, “but why?” Track with me on his answer and you will see were I am going with this. His answer was multifaceted and very interesting. It relates to life and to being a better dad.

1. You need someone who loves you unconditionally (in this case my dog, but someone works just as well).
2. You need someone to take care of, someone who depends on you for physical and emotional care.
3. You need fraternity – someone to be with, just to hang out and be together, friendship and warm mutual caring.
4. You need exercise – someone to play with and take walks with;  be with in non-stressful recreation.
5. You need someone who belongs in your life, as natural as your own family. Belonging is so very important to a healthy recovery from a heart attack  (or building the family intimacy necessary to every home.)

Now, let me ask you some questions. Do you have someone who loves you unconditionally. Does your family, your wife and children, especially teenagers express unconditional positive regard to you and make you want to be a better dad? Do you feel a real need to take care of your family? Do you teach them how to protect themselves from predators, wolfs-in-sheep’s clothing? Do you defend your family, especislly your teens when they are being bullied or abused? Your family needs to know without a doubt that their dad will be there for them no matter what.

Now you know what I mean when I compare my relationship with my dog, Buddy to my relationship with my family. Buddy cannot talk, but I know he loves me unconditionally. He is always happy to see me, no matter what kind of day I had. He will always sit down beside me no matter who is against me. That is the kind of love I need from my family. I do not want them to lick my hand, but I want them to respect me and the position of father that I hold in the family.

Likewise, I want my teens to know that I can be fun to be with, too. I don’t have to go to their concerts, or participate in their parties; I don’t have to listen in on their conversation with friends, but once in a while I want my family to enjoy being with their other family members doing some kind of stress-free recreation. That is being a real dad.

Back to Buddy. I did take my doctor’s advice and as soon as I was able to walk after the surgery, Deanna and I wen to the local Humane Society and picked out Buddy. He is a part Semoid Husky and part Boxer, and the cute little pup who sat in my lap several hours at a time as I recovered in my easy chair, grew up to be a giant, beautiful dog. Buddy is my pal, my buddy. Buddy helps me remember how to apply my important fatherly role in my family.

BUDDY

Bye for now, see you next time,

The Dad's Coach is in

“How should I know?” is one of the most common ways we Americans have of responding to a question we don’t know the answer to. Instead of saying, “I don’t know,” we have several alternate statements we like to use. You recognize, “Search me,” and “I have no idea,” don’t you? My wife has the habit of responding with, “I don’t have a clue” to questions she doesn’t know the answer to. But there are several things we ought to have the answer to as dads. Like:

Today I want to talk about my dad, Ellis Aaron Hackler, senior. I wish we could have reconciled before he died, but we didn’t. I never felt his love. I don’t think he knew how to love. He knew how to work hard because that is all he ever did. His own dad died when Ellis was in the third grade. He quit school and went to work in a saw mill, near his home in east Texas. When he was old enough he started driving logging trucks, then a few years later he drove long-haul 18-wheelers. That’s how I remember him, always gone. When he came home he would usually get drunk and sometimes hurt my mother, my sisters and me. We never knew what he was so mad about. My dad came from a long line of alcohol abusers. I was his second born, sandwiched between two girls. One would think he would want to relate to a boy, being his only son, but it just didn’t happen. I really didn’t understand until I became a professional counselor, and then it was only academic. I have compassion for him because I know he did the best he could with what he had to work with; but we never connected emotionally. I hardly kept up with him after I became an adult. I visited him a few times when he was in the hospital, then when he died I preached his funeral.

That was so ironic. I had to go to his siblings to garner information for conducting his memorial service. Some cousins and non family members related stories of my father’s generosity and friendliness. I never knew those traits in him, but I was able to piece together some interesting things about him, and I wove those stories into my memorial sermon. Dad had many friends, and more than a hundred people came to his funeral service–most of whom I had never met. I wish I could have known my dad, better, but I was able to honor his memory from the minds and hearts of others.

I’m not mad at my dad. I am not bearing unresolved anger or grief or guilt, or anything like that. It’s just sad. And every once in a while, when I think of him I thank God for the experiences my Heavenly Father taught me through being raised by my dad. I didn’t realize it then, but I was learning patience, endurance, and courage; and when he was sober he seemed like a pretty good guy. He took me fishing a few times. That’s something I remember in a positive way. I remember a few times in the summer we would go to Turner Falls, Oklahoma for a short vacation (OK, it was only twice – and my mom’s sister lived nearby…) and we had fun swimming and playing around the caves and camping under the stars.

When I became a Christian I inherited a capacity to forgive and that is what I have done. That’s why I remember little windows of positive things instead of focusing on ugly memories that could easily distort any good my dad did, like giving me my first bike or even the simple, warm memory of squeezing my hand a few days before he passed away.

The experience of preaching the memorial sermon for my dad 14 years ago taught me several life lessons, three of which I share with you:

1. Travel light. Carry no burdens of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, or grudges. Those items are heavy to carry and they hurt only you. Instead, get rid of all these burdens so you can travel light. Jesus Christ makes us an amazing offer: he said, “Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Place my yoke over your shoulders, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble. Then you will find rest for yourselves because my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 God’s Word).
2. Build positive memories. Each day we live we are creating memories. If we choose to act, say, and do things that we can remember as positive in the future, then we will be building positive memories instead of negative memories. I wish someone had taught me this principle when I was young. I spent many years looking back on situations that I labeled as negative. Now, however, I can re-label every memory by infusing good thoughts and imposing what I learned from the incident. When I file the memory of that incident, situation, orcircumstance in my memory bank, it reminds me of what Joseph told his brothers who had sold him into Egyptian slavery. He had become a great leader in Egypt and When his brothers came to buy grain he confronted them with that awful memory. Now, however Joseph had imposed positive thoughts over that ugly situation. He said, “you meant [that experience] for evil, but God used it for good.” (Genesis 50:20). When we superimpose those words on any bad thing, it is then forevermore a positive memory. When recalled, it will be good.
3. so Keep key relationships fresh. I allowed my pride to keep me from realizing the changes in my dad’s life over the years. Perhaps if I had noticed the positive changes my dad made in the last half of his life I would have avoided a lot bitterness and anger, which did damage to me emotionally, not him. The same is true for him, if my dad had showed any signs of wanting a relationship with me, maybe I would have responded and new growth in us individually could have resulted in a healthier father-son experience. The author of Hebrews in the New Testament admonishes us, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; so that no root of bitterness springs up causing trouble, and by it many are damaged.” (Hebrews 12:15).

Like many men, when Father’s Day draws near, I start to be flooded with memories. I thank God that I have learned to make the old memories new, and that I will keep my new relationships with my children and grandchildren fresh, and keep letting them be human, by which I mean, I want to forgive, so that whatever memories we are forming today will be positive tomorrow.

Happy Father’s Day.

I would love to hear about your Father’s Day thoughts. Please take a minute and honor your dad here.

I know what I know, and I know this!

The true and amazing fact about Attraction is “Whatever I focus on expands.” Focus makes the the attraction truth a reality. My limited experience is an exciting discovery. I have seen and experienced this fact several times. Naturally, the universe does not discriminate between a negative (“I can’t”) from a positive (“I will), and therefore gives us whatever we think about (or focus on). Today I choose to focus on my strengths and my core motivation: Empowerment through Integrity.

What are you focusing on now?

Have you been intrigued by the Law of Attraction, as presented in the video “The Secret?” The Law states that your mental attitude is a magnet that attracts to you what you most desire. If you subconsciously think you cannot be rich then you will attract poverty. If you truly believe you will succeed then you will attract success. I believe that in our precisely balanced universe every law has a opposite law that governs our world. I also believe we can become obsessed with any law, forcing it to automatically produce the opposite result. In the recent clamor about the Law of Attraction I call this opposite effect the attraction to attraction. In other words, I think many people have become attracted to learning the Law of Attraction so much that they are actually attracted to the law rather than practicing the law. It is like learning about sailing but never getting on a boat. I think I have finally come to realize, for instance, that internet marketing is about buying information about how to sell information. That is why the information marketing business is huge. People by education, not implementation. We are attracted to the attraction.

I am sorry for being absent the past week. I have been under the radar for a few days, down with a severe sinus infection and upper respiratory infection. I know you missed me. I missed you too.

Since my last blog I have visited with my best friend who now lives in another state. He came to visit me and stayed over night. We had two whole days to catch up and just be together. Jim and I have been best buds for more than thirty years. He followed me in ministry, taking every discipleship class I taught and being there for me every step of the way in my many transitions along my bi-vocational life. I have experienced a few consistent things in my 60-plus years. One is the constant presence of the Holy Spirit, Who encourages me, gives me hope, instructs me, reproves me, and continually underscores my faith in God through Jesus Christ. Another constant is Deanna, my wife. She has been my sweetheart, my supporter, my care-giver and my partner. Because I have these two beings in my life, I have never lacked love, understanding, or support.

The other constant in my life journey is Jim Ijames. I can always count on Jim. He is my friend, which means

• he is not impressed by my accomplishments or dismayed by my failures.
• I can feel his hand on my shoulder even when he is not physically present.
• He tolerates my grand schemes and tells me the truth about my ideas.
• He laughs at my jokes, and cries with me in my pain.
• We pray together about each others wants and needs.
• We share private stuff that no one else will ever know about.
• He knows me like no other man.
• I trust him implicitly and he trusts me.

If you do not have a bud in your life, like I have Jim, I encourage you to get one. David had Jonathan, Paul had Barnabas, I have Jim, and you need someone too. If you do have a close buddy, call him up and tell him you are glad he is in your life. Send him this blog and ask him to comment. You don’t have to use real names if you don’t want to blast your friend’s name on the internet. Let me hear from you. Let’s celebrate friendship this week.

Today I want to talk about a myth that has stunned men and stunted our growth for years. It’s the idea that to be a really good man you have to eat what your lady wants, vacuum the carpets and do the dishes. Well, of course you do… I mean, didn’t your dad and grandpa? Sure they did. Today, though the myth we have bought into is that we must redefine manhood in the eyes of the most qualified humans on the planet, women. Yeah, that’s right: women. Case in point. I was a psychology major at a California State campus. Every one of my undergrad psych profs were women. Every one! Now this wasn”t true in my graduate and post graduate schools, but psych 101 is about all the psychology classes many men take in college. So the official view of what men are, is viewed from this expert in the front of the room who got her Masters and PhD from someplace like Berkley or New York U.

OK, here’s the thing. See, every guy I know that wants to please his woman buys into this bunk. Men need to be sensitive and caring (must like walks on the beach under the stars); well, sure, we are sensitive, but that does mean we have to like quiche and afternoon tea? How many men do you know that want their lady to go shopping with them? “Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?” And another thing, the beaches in norther California are cold! Especially at night, and the stars are behind fog, or faded out from the lights from commercial real estate along the beaches!

Fact is, the prevailing view of the sensitive male is a myth. OK, so I can tolerate quiche. I mean, it’s ok, but why not just put the dammed eggs on the plate with some sausage and biscuits and get on with it. And vacuum the floor? of course, but not during the ball game! Maybe we are good role models and help ma with the dishes, but does she help us clean the fish? I ask you: what’s the deal here. Don’t answer that just yet. There is nothing wrong with quiche, doing the dishes, and vacuuming the floor but don’t let those duties – done or undone – define you! You are a superdad because you are the man. Not half man and half woman.

In today’s world, somehow roles, responsibilities, and relationships got messed up. The definitions for each has become enmeshed with the others until there is no distinguishing difference.  Don’t let somebody else (especially some insecure female) define manhood for you. Manhood is not what you do. It’s who you are. Now, get that vacuum out and be a man!